The holidays are often stressful, but holidays in 2020 take the cake. (Seriously, will we even have a cake?) It will be painful to see fewer loved ones this year, and some of us are mourning unexpected losses. Let's not minimize that. But with the sincerity that comes from acknowledging our shared struggle, there must be some ways we can have a good season after all.
In a year when going with the usual flow is unlikely to happen, maybe we can…slow…down…and…discover…lovely…possibilities. Maybe there's a smaller group of loved ones to focus on and those connections can be all the more special, even if from a distance. Maybe there are simple times and traditions to be had this year—even new traditions—that can be deeply meaningful in their simplicity. Maybe if we're running around less, we'll have more time and energy to care for ourselves and our loved ones in ways that feel genuine. Maybe instead of buying the biggest Tofurkey in the world, we'll be moved to donate or volunteer in some way to address the enormous struggle that our world is having this year.
Sometimes we look back at hard times and feel moved by the beauty and goodness that we were able to share amidst the challenges. Let's see if this year we can make some beautiful memories even though they're probably not the ones we would've planned for.
Speech by a Future Tech Billionaire
“Look, everyone, I’d like to be very honest with you this morning. I had something of a crisis of conscience last night as I was getting ready for this hearing. And I realized a few things. First, oh my God, my company is making billions of dollars and I’ve been keeping most of it, almost all of it, in fact—some of it in personal assets, some tied up in economic entities under my control. Sure, I’ve donated to important causes, but I’ve been holding on to most of this wealth while so many people have nothing. And for what? So I can buy a 7th house? So I can make my mega-corporation even bigger? What have I been doing? In the coming months, I’m going to take some time to reflect. I’m going to sit down with spiritual leaders, non-profit leaders, scientists, teachers, activists, philosophers—people who have grappled with and who understand some of the biggest problems we’re facing as humans, like hunger, climate change, this virus, racism, authoritarianism, this sense of division and confusion most of us feel, hatred, and…greed itself. And I’ll be announcing plans to give away at least 95% of my wealth within one year. I'll also be doing everything I can to transform the entire structure of work and reward in this country and this world. I’ve seen that, sure I’ve worked my ass off and should be able to have a good salary and, you know, I want to be able to share a little with my family and friends; but I have employees who have worked just as hard as I have. I have some who are twice my age who have worked hard their whole life. And God, I met my friend’s aunt last fall—she works two jobs that are, frankly, jobs I’d never want, and she’s caring for people and…she works harder than I do and barely gets by. So do I “deserve” this obscene amount of money because of where my education and privilege and luck landed me? That’s absurd. If I deserve these billions of dollars then half the people in this country deserve to make the same amount. No, no, that’s ridiculous. The other big thing I realized is that I’m heading a company and my main goal every day for the last 15 years was just to make this company bigger and richer. Wow. What am I actually doing with my life? I mean, I’m going to die some day. Do I want my tombstone to be made of gold and for my obituary to say, “Tech Billionaire, Made Controversial Software”? Ugh, that is such a depressing thought. But I’m feeling, honestly, so inspired when I think about what I really want to do with this precious life. And it’s actually pretty simple. I want to make every decision in this company, in my personal life, in my spiritual life, in my politics, in how I interact with the economy and the environment—every decision—by asking some important questions. What will make me proud when I’m lying on my deathbed? What would be compassionate and kind? What might benefit struggling people, hungry people, working people, lonely and confused people, people who have been marginalized and brutalized? What might benefit this fragile planet and the people who live here five or seven or twenty generations from now? What will nourish the spirit of humanity? Thinking in this way makes me happier than I’ve ever been. And I’m starting today. I ask all the other CEOs joining us today to meet with me so we can talk about all this. Let’s take off our ill-earned crowns and answer only to our humanity. Not our shareholders or our boards, I mean, come on now. We need to stop this insane way of life in which what we call “progress” destroys the environment and disrespects so much of what is truly beautiful in life. Instead, let's respond to the real needs of our human family and this world. How could we have missed this? How can this not be at the top of our minds, especially as people who ended up with so much power? Well, let’s start fresh. Let’s make today the first day of this new way of being.” - a future tech billionaire speaking before congress (or at least my dream for one)
Meeting Anxiety with Friendliness
Originally published on the Journey Meditation blog
As it began to sink in that we were entering crisis mode some weeks ago, the uptick in anxiety in New York City where I live was palpable. It was on the news. I felt it in others. Then I felt it in myself. In this very challenging time, taking care of our physical and emotional well-being at the same time can be of benefit to everyone.
My favorite approach to meeting anxiety is the path of friendliness. I imagine how a good friend—a dear friend—might be there for me in a moment of struggle. And I try to offer that kind of friendship to myself.
A good friend doesn’t judge. When facing anxiety, especially in an obviously challenging time, it’s helpful to acknowledge that the feeling is normal. There’s nothing wrong with you for having anxiety and you don’t need to get rid of it. Period.
A good friend pays attention. Instead of ruminating on stressful thoughts or trying to solve anything, bring a gentle curiosity to what the anxiety feels like in your body. Maybe there’s heat in your chest or tension in your shoulders or icky feelings in your stomach. Try to acknowledge it in a matter-of-fact way: “Ah, this is anxiety.” Bringing a gentle, curious attention to a difficult experience was a game changer for me when I first learned it, and it’s still an invaluable part of my toolbox.
A good friend helps you feel relaxed. Be a good friend to your body by allowing it to be more at ease. Let your breathing slow down and deepen just slightly. Then imagine feeling these relaxed breaths throughout the whole body. Without forcing, let each part from head to toe relax and settle as much as it can.
A good friend is compassionate. Speak to yourself from a place of real understanding and friendliness. Sometimes I’ll say, “Hello my dear Chris. I know this is a hard moment. You’re doing your best. This anxiety is normal and understandable. I know you’re worried about your family and the world. May you be happy, free, and peaceful.” Use whatever words feel meaningful to you to practice self-compassion. Then think of others. “I know that people all over the world are so worried right now—about their own health, about their loved ones, about their jobs. May everyone be free of struggle and live with happiness, health, and peace.”
A good friend cheers you up. Even in a challenging time when people are hurting—even when we’re personally struggling—we can find balance and resilience by practicing joy. Doing so obviously helps us, but it also helps others when we have more lightness to share. So make sure you’re doing joyful things every day—getting sunshine, calling a friend, watching a fun movie, making cookies, exercising, relaxing with a cup of tea, doing something kind, repotting a plant, being creative, cracking jokes—whatever makes you smile. You can also practice gratitude. Simply write down or bring to mind whatever you feel grateful about.
Navigating our current challenge with deep friendship might allow for a real refuge when things are hard. It could also be the beginning of a new habit that’s available at any time.
Being Close While Social Distancing
Originally published on the Journey Meditation blog
During the Coronavirus crisis, most of us are spending a lot more time inside and seeing far fewer people than we normally do. We might feel cooped up at home. We might feel lonely. We might be having trouble connecting with people in our lives. In this strange time of social distancing, how can we practice closeness?
With more time inside, more unstructured time, it might be a great moment to explore growing closer to yourself. Take more time to meditate to get to know and befriend your mind. You can also journal and reflect on what’s important. You might even turn your phone off for a day and let this be a time to enjoy simplicity, to connect more with silence and serenity. I truly love the people in my life, but I have so many treasured memories of connecting with myself in such ways on meditation retreat or during intentional time by myself.
Knowing that there’s so much pain in the world right now, we can feel close to others by remembering that this pandemic is truly a shared struggle—something the whole world is going through together. We can reflect on this with compassion and a sense of connection, wishing peace and health for ourselves, our loved ones, and everyone everywhere. Remember, we’re taking drastic measures to stay relatively isolated for our health, but more broadly for public health. So staying home is an act of compassion with an eye on the greater good.
We can feel close by calling an old friend. I can’t tell you how many friends I’ve gotten to connect with in recent weeks. Try group video calls with a few people if you haven’t done so yet. You can also take advantage of the many online classes and meetings of all kinds that are popping up. Find a yoga class, an exercise session, or learn a new hobby in a group setting. If you need a break from technology, imagine a friend or family member is with you and write them an old-fashioned letter.
Strange new circumstances like the ones we find ourselves in can also exacerbate conflicts or stresses in relationship. It’s helpful for me to remember that this is such an unprecedented time—something none of us has experienced before. It’s also a time with so much anxiety and uncertainty. So, of course, new and challenging feelings and conflicts will arise.
Perhaps we can use this unique moment to build a new kind of closeness with those in our lives. Maybe we can be a little more open to sharing our fears about the world, our health, our jobs, and so on. We can tell people what we appreciate about them. We can dialogue about what’s really meaningful to us. For me, learning more about a person’s inner life—their honest struggles and their deep joys—often brings about a closeness, even a sense of tenderness towards them.
Our situation right now can also be an opportunity for reconciliation. With so many reminders of how fragile life can be, it might be a good time to make amends with someone. For me, calling someone to rectify even a small mistake can bring me closer to them and help release a weight in myself. I got to do so with my Mom just last weekend.
When you go out for groceries and supplies, you might notice yourself looking at other people and thinking, “please stay away and don’t get me sick.” I’ve certainly noticed that kind of thought. Instead of pushing people away in our minds, maybe we can remember that everyone has worries, everyone can get sick, and everyone is here for a short time. I keep a physical distance from people when I go out but have been trying to smile or say hello more often. Sometimes I’ll silently wish them well: “May you be healthy and peaceful.”
To everyone reading this, you’re probably physically distant from me, but I know we’re sharing such a unique moment in this world, so in some ways we are very close to one another. May you be healthy and peaceful.
Balancing Your Mind When the News is Overwhelming
Originally published on the Journey Meditation blog
My heart goes out to the whole world right now. We’re scared. So many people are sick. There’s so much to take in. In order to have some stamina and perspective, we need to practice balance. I’ve struggled with this when it comes to taking in news and social media. I’ve found myself sitting on the edge of the bed in a black hole of “updates,” having let 45 minutes slip by, only feeling more worried.
Here’s an approach to balance that I’m finding helpful right now.
Decide what to consume…
Be responsible about what news and information you pay attention to. A doomsday tweet from a guy you kind of knew in high school might not be as credible as an article citing real data or a message from your cousin’s wife who’s a doctor. This is discernment about what you’re feeding your mind.
…and how much.
It’s important to know about our world and to read updates from experts on safety and policy, but it’s easy to grow in anxiety if we take in too much at once. So how much information do we need? Check in with yourself, make clear determinations (20 minutes of news per day, for example), and keep adjusting to find a balance that’s neither avoidant nor overwhelming.
Let it sink in.
Remember that it’s normal to feel fear and anxiety, especially with the news in this uniquely challenging time. Let yourself feel what comes up. Let your heart break if it breaks. You might find that alongside the hard feelings, there’s also deep concern and compassion that can be quite beautiful. Maybe there’s hope too! Notice the spectrum of feelings that comes up and let it all sink in. Also, it’s important to determine how new information will impact your behavior. If you’re clear on that, you won’t need to keep revisiting it.
Take a look at your mind.
With so much new information, most of us will at least occasionally end up lost in thought or lost in the news. When this happens, ask yourself how you got here. It’s extraordinarily helpful to see clearly that our attention is often driven by habitual, unconscious worry—not clear intention. Notice this without judgment. This is mindfulness of the mind.
Look both ways before clicking.
Next time you’re about to click a news link, see if you can stop for a moment, like a kid playing freeze tag. This moment of pause is a moment of choice—so look both ways before clicking. Do I want to read one more article? Or do I want to rest or take a walk? Either choice is fine! The point is to practice making a conscious, clear-minded choice rather than being pushed around by unconscious habits. The identical process goes for working with your mind. If you can pause right where you are in the middle of a thought spiral, for example, you can consciously choose where you actually want your attention to be. Even if you can press pause like this once a day, you’ve begun the empowering journey of rewiring your habits of mind in a positive direction.
Do good things with your time and with your mind.
With less momentum from our unconscious habits, we can consciously choose to do good things. We can take steps to stay healthy for our sake and for the sake of others. We can check in with people in our lives. We can practice joy and gratitude and kindness. We can tap into our compassion, not just our fear and sadness, when reflecting on those dealing with illness or anxiety—ourselves included. Together, we might even discover ways of being that make this world more safe and connected and caring than it was before.
Happiness Through Appreciation
Originally published on the Journey Meditation blog
Just about anyone would agree that taking time to appreciate the simple things is an important part of a happy life. But we may not be hardwired to pay attention in this way.
Evolutionary psychology tells us that it’s easier for us to notice a perceived problem than it is for us to take in what’s going well. This proclivity, referred to as the negativity bias, can likely be explained by considering our distant ancestors. Survival-wise, they’d be better served by worrying about the footprint of a natural predator than by delighting in the fragrant daffodil growing next to it.
So how can we acknowledge our challenges without losing sight of our good fortune? Here are three simple ideas to take for a spin:
Start the day with gratitude. The moment you wake up, let yourself smile and bring to mind five things you’re grateful for. I like to keep my gratitudes simple and to fill in the blank without thinking too much about it: “I’m grateful for _____ .” I’m grateful for having enough food to eat. I’m grateful for my parents. I’m grateful for the sunshine streaming through my window. Think of at least five, take a deep breath, and continue with your day.
Be mindful of simple things. Throughout your day, find simple moments to let go of planning and deciding, and just pay attention to your present experience. The key is to tune in directly to your senses. When you walk from your desk to the kitchen, just feel your footsteps. When you’re eating lunch, take time just to taste your sandwich or to see the varied colors and textures in your salad. If you’re sitting outside, listen to the symphony all around you: the birds, the cars, the breeze. Just open to hearing for a few minutes with no other agenda. Getting in touch with the subtle richness of life can bring more happiness and freedom even to ordinary moments.
End the day with self-appreciation. When you lie down to go to sleep at night, bring to mind five things you’re happy you did that day. It’s so easy to remember what you didn’t get done or where you think you fell short. And while there’s certainly a place for honest reflection on what you’d like to change, appreciating what you did do isn’t second-nature. Once again I like to keep it simple and fill in the blank: “I’m happy that I _____ today.” I’m happy that I texted my sister today. I’m happy that I was friendly with the check-out clerk at the grocery store today. I’m happy that I meditated today. Think of at least five then let yourself drift to sleep. An unexpected benefit I noticed when beginning this practice is that remembering what I’m proud of reinforced these habits and made it more likely that I’d do them again.
Practicing conscious appreciation has the benefit of boosting happiness and giving us a bigger, more balanced picture of our reality––all without changing any material conditions in our life.
Welcome Home. I Love You.
There's a difference between a dispersed mind and one filled with presence and vitality. You don't need to sit in meditation to know that. I'm sure you've had the experience of wandering off in a daydream and at some point saying, “Oh. Where was I?” You might then realign with what you'd previously been doing: “Right. I just have to send this last email then I can leave to meet Jen.”
This is a lot like what we do in meditation. Having decided to consciously work with the present moment and to cultivate helpful habits of mind, we notice our dispersion and gently return to the chosen object of meditation.
The idea of gently returning to the moment is easy to overlook. In fact, it's not uncommon to use meditation to reinforce habitual self-aggression: “What's wrong with you? You're supposed to be meditating, but you're distracted again. You suck at this.” Of course, we don't consciously decide to criticize ourself. Rather, something triggers a nagging script to start running in the mind, and there we are.
One way to practice replacing criticism with gentleness is to celebrate whenever we find our way back to the moment. For me, simply saying “welcome home” to myself can be so uplifting and supportive. This is the beginning of a new habit—something I can decide to do—and it usually makes me smile.
Much of the work of meditation is to again and again establish this precious moment as a home. The present is where life is really happening, right? So when I gently reconnect with this moment, I'm coming back to a home base that's real, a place of refuge in myself that grows more and more familiar and safe with each conscious breath.
If I'm feeling brave I can add another phrase: “I love you.” That's right. I'm telling myself that I love myself. Granted, it's not always easy to whisper sweet nothings to myself, especially when self-criticism is pinballing around my head or when the cynical part of me is calling it sappy. But the intention to draw out a loving presence in myself and in the world is way deeper than anything my inner critic or inner cynic has to say. Love is a part of my practice—maybe the entirety of it.
“Welcome home. I love you.” can be used as an intermittent reminder of the intention to be present and loving, but it can also be the basis of a whole practice session. In formal sitting meditation, you might try breathing in, “welcome home” and breathing out, “I love you.” You can do the same thing during the course of a day. What would it be like to carry these phrases around for an afternoon, syncing them with your breathing as you walked around doing errands?
Our experience of the present moment is our home, perhaps more than any other. Let's learn to make it a comfortable, loving place to dwell by regularly welcoming ourselves back with open and gentle arms.
A Handful of Salt
I love reading classical Buddhist teachings—the repetition, the (occasionally outlandish) analogies, the connection to ancient India, the images of students doing their best to make something meaningful out of a difficult life. We're so fortunate to have such texts widely available in modern languages, translated by practitioner-scholars.
We usually hear these teachings either (1) translated as literally as possible or (2) roughly paraphrased in a contemporary teacher's own words. These are both helpful ways to learn, but I'd like to explore something of a hybrid presentation. In the text below, I've taken a translation of a sutra excerpt and rewritten it in more everyday language, letting my reading of it come through while preserving the original form. This is not meant to replace the original translation, but rather to offer a telling of it that's more accessible to some people.
In this teaching, the Buddha is telling his students that actions and habits matter. Our well-being is not totally determined by the situation we find ourselves in. Some people are likely to get super-stressed from being caught in traffic; others are more likely to see it as no big deal and enjoy the scenery. This kind of inner freedom depends largely on whether we've practiced to make a familiar home of our bodies and minds. It also depends on whether we've investigated what kinds of actions support this cultivation.
It's important to note that the text does not say that an individual's actions and habits are the only factors that determine the quality of their experience. Such a misperception could encourage us to blame the victim when we see someone suffering, forgetting that there are such things as injustice and natural disasters. It's crucial to cultivate habits of mind that help us and those around us, but we must also remember that a network of interdependent forces is at play in every situation.
A Handful of Salt
adapted from the translation by Thanissaro Bhikkhu
It's possible for one person to do something slightly unwise and suffer terribly, but for another person to do the same thing and have only a passing stress.
What kind of person will suffer terribly from doing something slightly unwise? A person who hasn't had much practice in body awareness and contemplation, who hasn't reflected much on what kinds of actions are ultimately helpful and unhelpful, and who hasn't practiced to develop some calm and clarity of mind. This person will feel restricted, without much of a sense of space and friendliness to hold difficult experiences. This person will suffer terribly from doing something slightly unwise.
What kind of person will have only a passing stress from doing something slightly unwise? A person who has practiced body awareness and contemplation, who has reflected on what kinds of actions are ultimately helpful and unhelpful, and who has practiced to develop some calm and clarity of mind. This person feels free and has a sense of space and friendliness to hold difficult experiences. This person will have only a passing stress from doing something slightly unwise.
Imagine someone putting a handful of salt into a small cup of water. What do you think? Would the water become too salty to drink?
Yes. Since it's only a small cup of water, it would become too salty to drink.
Now imagine someone putting a handful of salt into a huge river. What do you think? Would the water become too salty to drink?
No. Since it's a huge mass of water, it wouldn't become too salty to drink.
In the same way, it's possible for one person to do something slightly unwise and suffer terribly, but for another person to do the same thing and have only a passing stress.
Meditation as Prescription Glasses
Despite the growing popularity of mindfulness in recent years, many people still think of meditation as esoteric. It's not for them. Others have an idea that meditation sounds vaguely helpful, but there's no obvious way to fit it into their lives.
In order to encourage those with a spark of interest in meditation to seek and create pathways to a practice that serves them, I'd like to offer a perspective on what it's essentially about.
Meditation is learning to engage deeply with life, enabling you to respond to your experience with more understanding and care. We recognize that we have misperceptions, so we consciously practice to see more clearly. It's like going to get your much-needed prescription glasses. This is what you do when you know your vision is distorted or hazy.
We suffer from many kinds of misperceptions. We tend to hone in on what we think is wrong or dangerous about a situation way more than we revel in what is beautiful and supportive. We tend to see ourselves as separate, isolated individuals rather than as interdependent and intrinsically tied to countless conditions. We forget that we are ever-changing, subject to shifting mental and physical states, including illness and death. We tend to believe so many untrue and harmful thoughts like “I'm really not very good at anything,” or “Colby is just a moron.” We so readily inflate our worries, forsaking the chance at intimacy with the preciousness of the moment, ourselves, and those around us.
Thich Nhat Hanh sometimes describes meditation as taking the time to look deeply. This act of investigating our perceptions doesn't happen on its own any more than our vision spontaneously shifts from 20/40 to 20/20. In order to be motivated to do something about our vision, we have to recognize that it's impaired and trust that it's possible to improve the situation. For us to be motivated to meditate, we must honestly acknowledge our confusion and trust that shining the light of awareness and compassion on our experience will help.
Just as we wouldn't go out to the garage to make our own glasses, we would be mistaken to think that we can become skilled meditators completely on our own. We are fortunate to live in a time when there are teachers, classes, practice centers, books, guided meditation recordings, online lectures, communities, and friends widely available.
Let this be a time of recognizing the suffering in ourselves and throughout the world. Let this be a time when we are inspired to look deeply, to understand clearly, and to grow in wisdom so we know how to help.
10 Ideas for Practicing Mindfulness in Daily Life
Mindfulness is the practice of purposely paying attention to the present moment in an open, nonjudgmental way. If you think about it for a second, it's pretty clear that this moment is where life is really happening. Yeah, this moment. So when you practice mindfulness and tune into the present, you experience a greater sense of aliveness. And as you begin to let go (at least sometimes) of obsessively worrying about the future or questioning the past, you feel more at ease. You're just not carrying as much around with you. When you're more present for your life, you're also more likely to appreciate what's going well. The struggles of life come into better focus too, making it easier to feel compassion and to respond by doing what you can to help yourself and others. If your resolution for the new year is anything like being more present, kind, or relaxed, here are some user-friendly ways to start. Keep in touch about how it's going!
Start each day by smiling and bringing to mind three things for which you're grateful.
Choose a short route to walk with awareness of your steps, remembering how awesome it is to be alive. Pick a place you'd be walking anyway like the hallway from your bedroom to the kitchen, or the street where you walk to lunch.
Do something kind. Smile to the person behind the counter when you're buying a coffee, pick up a piece of trash, text a hug to your sister, listen deeply to your stressed out co-worker without trying to fix their problem.
From time to time, stop and ask yourself what's lovely right now. What's going right in your life?
Practice eating mindfully for five or ten minutes. Remember all the conditions and all the hands that helped bring the food to your plate. Notice the textures and flavors of the food. Chew more than usual. Notice how the mind, feelings, and body react to food.
Just before you make a phone call or send an email, especially to someone you find difficult, take a moment to breathe, check in with how your body feels, and wish well-being for yourself and the other person. Where will you both be in 100 years?
When you're working at the computer, pause every once in a while to stand up and stretch, following your breath and caring for your body for a few minutes. If you can, throw a three-minute mindful dance party as a break for your office.
When you're irritated or anxious, stop, breathe, and stay aware of the sensations in your body for a few minutes. Take a break from thinking about the situation and just be there for yourself. Invite your body to relax. Gently tell yourself, “I'm here. It'll be ok.” Hold your own hand. Breathe into the gap between stimulus and response so you have a chance to act with some awareness and compassion.
Journal: What's alive in your body right now? What are you feeling? What kind of thoughts do you notice? What do you need? How can you truly be kind to yourself in this moment?
End each day by bringing to mind three things you're happy about having done that day. As you fall asleep, pay attention to your natural breathing and the sensations in your body.
BONUS: Sit for five or ten minutes following your breath, staying present, checking in with your body, and inviting your body to be at ease.